|day 4|

i struggled with this one.

i was raised in a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian home, super duper religious. i was in Adventurers, in Pathfinders (like boys/girls scouts), i was in the choir, in all the youth groups. if i wasn’t around family, i was with church folk. ya girl was there and all this time i felt this huge disconnect. i remember always feeling like i could never measure up to the idea of God or religion that i was taught to believe in. i always felt like i constantly fell short, that i wasn’t holy enough, that i just wasn’t doing enough to be considered a good Christian. in addition, i always had questions with answers that never quite made sense. i remember being 15 and asking a one of the elders a question during sabbath school and he didn’t have an answer. now i understand that not everyone knows everything, but at that moment, i just felt very unsatisfied. from then on, i started expecting less as my curiosity grew.

as i have grown older, so has my frustration towards the religion i grew up in. I have stopped asking questions because it tends to get side looks or worse it gets chalked up to being a wayward youth who will soon see the light again. i resent that with a passion actually. why can’t my questions and concerns be valid? why can’t i have the room to explore? can i ever get that or is that too much to ask for?

needless to say, i don’t really go to church as much as i used to now that i’m older (also other factors here). this is a topic i tend to avoid talking about because i already know i’ll be considered to be ‘out in the world’.

there’s so much i can say about this and i always feel like i can’t have this conversation with others and feel heard.

anyway, i hope your Monday went well.

until next time, Nneoma


2 thoughts on “religion?

  1. Your post reminds me of our Christian studies class where it was taboo to ask questions that came across as challenging authority or the Christian faith. For example, my teacher was explaining the scales that determine if you go to heaven or hell and I asked what if the scale is even because you’ve been living life in the middle? What if you’re like Robin Hood and sometimes fight the bullies to help the underdog? She dismissed my question and the entire class must have thought I was beyond idiotic or had the lowest IQ for asking such a “dumb” question. It was one of my many frustrations as a child expressing concern and asking questions about religion.

    Liked by 1 person

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