i was raised in a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian home, super duper religious. i was in Adventurers, in Pathfinders (like boys/girls scouts), i was in the choir, in all the youth groups. if i wasn’t around family, i was with church folk. ya girl was there and all this time i felt this huge disconnect. i remember always feeling like i could never measure up to the idea of God or religion that i was taught to believe in. i always felt like i constantly fell short, that i wasn’t holy enough, that i just wasn’t doing enough to be considered a good Christian. in addition, i always had questions with answers that never quite made sense. i remember being 15 and asking a one of the elders a question during sabbath school and he didn’t have an answer. now i understand that not everyone knows everything, but at that moment, i just felt very unsatisfied. from then on, i started expecting less as my curiosity grew.
as i have grown older, so has my frustration towards the religion i grew up in. I have stopped asking questions because it tends to get side looks or worse it gets chalked up to being a wayward youth who will soon see the light again. i resent that with a passion actually. why can’t my questions and concerns be valid? why can’t i have the room to explore? can i ever get that or is that too much to ask for?
needless to say, i don’t really go to church as much as i used to now that i’m older (also other factors here). this is a topic i tend to avoid talking about because i already know i’ll be considered to be ‘out in the world’.
there’s so much i can say about this and i always feel like i can’t have this conversation with others and feel heard.
a part of life and (as i am now learning) adulting is that there will be disappointments. a whole lot of them. apparently these things are inevitable and there is no ‘opt-out’ option (if there is, kindly direct yourself to my comments and share you secrets please and thank you). this past week and some change has brought about some unsavory disappointment my way. the kind that despite your better judgment, you let your guard down and when it finds its way to you, you can’t help but feel numb because deep down you knew it would come. i was up for a position that i really really really REALLY wanted and i felt really good about the interviews and the people i met with. it unfortunately didn’t work out and when i found out, i felt so numb. a part of me is so used to the rejection but this one i knew hurt a lot because of how blank i felt in the moments after.
so what now? was the question that floated in my head after the cloud of numbness slowly faded away. to quote the great Shonda Rhimes (just finished season 6 finale and I feel very inspired and also very much in some feelings), you quit being a bitch baby and keep it pushing.
i can’t control the outcome but i sure as hell can control my actions and make sure this period of disappointment doesn’t cause me to give up all together. now is it hard as hell, YES. ya girl took a nap right after but when i was all good, i continued applying even harder and reaching out to old contacts. if i learned anything from Olivia Pope or Cyrus, it is that there is always a plan and no matter how hard life may knock you down, you lick your wounds if need be then pick yourself right back up and continue to be a badass with bouncy hair and quick quips because yes.
i say all this to say, i will be fine in no time and this period of my life will be one that i look back on with pride because it is prepared me for the next chapter which is soon to come.
p.s. Shonda Rhimes continues to have me in all my feelings and I will be forever grateful of each heart palpitations that i have suffered through while watching her programs.
i know it’s been a long ass time while. to be completely honest, I have been going through a bit of a funk that refuses to let up. i also doubt my writing a lot. i have been trying to be more vulnerable and open about my current struggles in adulting so here we go…
it’s been a lot.
i’m coming up on 2 years post graduation and i’m no where near where i envisioned myself. i remember senior year and being so ready to graduate and the fancy job and security i imagined for myself. mind you i had a very vague idea of what i wanted to do but nonetheless the plan was to hit the ground running and don’t stop until i reach all these goals. reality didn’t agree and to be honest looking back, i am grateful about that (some of it). i honestly can say that i had no idea what career i would like until a year ago. so while the freelancing is very annoying especially for someone like me who needs to have some sort of security ALWAYS, i am grateful about my experiences so far. am i beyond frustrated with not knowing what comes next? the answer is a quick yes.
the hardest part about not being where you envisioned for yourself is when family members start to ask questions. while it is always well-intentioned, nobody can make you feel shittier (especially when you’re already down) about a very shitty situation like family. there’s the questioning, the reoccurring ‘suggestion’ that maybe you’re doing something wrong and my personal favorite, the shady comments. everyday i struggle with remaining positive (you can only be so positive when you get rejection letters from a job posting you filled out months ago) and putting out good energy and its all so exhausting.
anyway this past weekend, I went away to the Poconos for one of my really good friend’s birthday. a lot of chilling, laughter and much needed space from everything. although my allergies made a quick appearance towards the end of the trip, I desperately needed the change in scenery. i left the weekend feeling energized and slightly optimistic about all the changes, good and not so good, that comes my way.